I hate the feeling of heartbreak..and yet..i'm still compelled to go over and over our memories, ideas or fantasies..which make me feel even worse..why i'm keep on doing this?
It is indeed..a disease that you feel exquisitely painful till you wanna rip off your heart out. You cannot find any injury on any part of your body..physically you're find and healthy. But emotionally..you are really in a big pain. A pain that takes you more than time to heal.
It is the emotion that you have to deal with. Sometimes it makes you wanna give up on your life..you feel that your whole world is crumbles down n your legs can't even reach the ground. You feel that your whole supply of fresh air is been cut off.. You will feel that you barely feel your own heartbeats..you are hardly speak out what you wanted to spit out..you will feel that you are been stab straight to your heart..the pain is just so hard to explain.. You are really in a big emotional pain.
This pain..you cannot just heal it within hours or just a week..it takes you forever to forget about it. Even you are finally heal but deep down..the hole is still there..it will become bigger n deeper every time you get your heart broken by those merciless heartless creature who does not know what is love..what it is feel likes to be appreciate.. Those merciless heartless creature..u shouldn't be exist in this world..because of YOU the world is no longer a peaceful place. Hatred started to grow everywhere. SIGH..that is the fact..the fact that i have to live with.
The thing is..i just don't know what is happening now..I have already know the consequences if i fall in love with you..i knew it from the very first you told me you somehow got a feeling on me..but i dared myself to jump into this hot-burning tub. I thought it was just for fun..first it was fun..then it turn out to be REAL.."what happen to the fun?" Ian said to me.. I guess it turned to be something real..some kind of...the feeling is just likes the one that i ever had 7 years ago..2006..where i first met Govin..my first true love..but hell yeah..he left me for someone much older..*Life is cruel, does it?* Now i got that feeling...when i was with Mac..i don't even feel likes this..that is why me n Mac lasted for only a year plus..our relationship was likes..only to fulfill each other loneliness..the feeling is different..it does not felt the same likes i felt with Govin..i guess i still in love with Govin..yes..i do remember our best moments together sometimes..I'm so sorry Mac.. After i decided to end up my relationship with Mac..there comes you..YUP..YOU! You came as a friend..a stranger that i have known for long ago but we never speak up nor smile at each other. N yes..i do know you..you are his cousin..Govin's cousin..first cousin n i used to meet you when i'm still with him. Meeting you at the first place was never been plan..it was all your brother's fault..He made you as his replacement to pick me out n brought me to dinner..heemmmm..at first..i was too shy n thing got very awkward ..i barely chewed my food..n i almost got myself chocked..LOL. I thought you were the kind of guy that i can't never get along with. I still remember one of you sms to me..before you went to pick me up " What language should i talk with you? " i was LOL n almost had a tummy-ache for laughing out so hard. the weirdest n funniest sms ever..i still keep it..:) Our night out was great. Dinner was great even though i hardly eat..n then we headed to the mall...loitered around n end up in this cafe, drinking beers n getting to know each other more, n it was still in the state of AWKWARD. Thing got a lil bit friendly when we both went to this club..a glass of Tequilla..we were still smiling n talking likes a normal person does..the 3rd glass...we were out of no where in this earth. "you are a good catcher..you never let me fall on my knees.." n the rest were history! It thought that when the night is over..it will end too..but i'm wrong..we become more than just a friend till now..You told me..i can consider you as my temporary boyfriend..u treat me likes your own.you care for me..you laugh and you smile with me..you have made fall..falling into deep...deep into the trouble that i have already know what the consequences are. Now, i'm just too confuse..what am i to you..am i just a friend? coz you are more than just a friend in my heart. I am too scare to lose you. I am afraid i might lose you one day..*actually i know..that one day, all of this will be over.* coz you are own by her. not by me..even though i hope that one day you will be mine but i know..it is such a selfish act/thought to do that..i know how hurt it is when your boy is snatch away from you..I have felt that..*Govin was snatched away from me* i told myself..to let God help me to deal with this..If you are meant for me..you will always be mine..but if you are belong to her..then you shall be hers forever. I don't wanna be mean even though there is a DEVIL in me that keep hoping for you to end up with her n be with me forever. What a thoughtless thought i have!
The world seems to laugh out loud n saying how foolish i am for falling for you..but i made myself deaf n blind..i know...God is merciful..He is good all the time.. God has planned something for me..He surely help me to get through this misery..as long as i have faith n trust in Him. I just have to deal with my emotion all by myself. Seeking help from my girlfriends surely help to calm me but i know..only me. myself n i could help me to stand up again, to face the world once more. Give me the wisdom to face this..If he is for me..i promise to love him till the end..but if he is hers..i promise to let him go without grudge even though i'm in pain. Love is not always about you being with him together..but it is all about making those you love happy even you have to sacrifice your own happiness.
The world is crumbles on me but i will always hold on to the final piece! :)
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