It's Tuesday...emm...Mr Lim gonna come today..yup..his second observation on my practicum. Well...i hope i am well prepared even though not 100%..but hell yeah..i somehow feel that i am ready..fully ready...

Woke up checked both of my phone..*sigh* emm..closed my eyes back n lied down for another 5 minutes.. i sound pathetic..no sms neither missed call from anyone especially him..where have u been...? are u still alive?? I know he is..

Got up from my bed n straight to shower. My mind keep on playing this stupid love song while i'm having my shower. I lied to myself n i told myself every single day, every single times that i'm OK with it. Got dressed n had a cup of hot milo before i hit the road! A cup of Milo plus 10 pills of Spirullina's help me on the track for the whole day! 

What a bright day...sight-seeing while driving all my way to school. What a beautiful country-side! 

My day started as early as 730am. I wondered is Mr Lim really comes today? emm...i hope he does..

n yup..my predicament was right..he came but quite late..so the observation went on...

12p.m! finally...the class has ended! but not so fast..i cannot just wrap up all my stuff n dash home..i still have an after-observation session with Mr Lim. It is a reflection on what did i taught, how was my class management n my lesson plans of cause! bla..bla..bla...ok! all done..now i'm ready to go home! 1.30pm..emm..everyone left..just me..all alone..waiting for Lofrine to come n pick me up. 

someday..somehow...i gonna make it alright..
i will stand up tall and be the luckiest girl ever..
i know...i can make it. i can survive this reality..
i am stronger ..much much stronger than i ever thought i was...
i just need to love myself more..love my family n my friends!
be tough..harden my heart likes the rock...be more matured...never easily tear up...
smile and be optimistic in my daily life..
i promise myself to be a better person..never rely on those who does't even care about me..or whoever looks down on me..
be blessed n happy with who i am..:)

emmm...i guess the world is not that cruel....i'm happy..i'm still alive..actually i'm quite worry..there is something in my right's boob...i just don't dare to go on for a check up..i'm too scare..it started since July 2011...my gfs told me to go for a check up..but hell yeah..i'm so freakin out..i'm to scare to step into those hospitals nor clinics..i just hope it is not...you know what i mean right...pray that i have the courage to go on a check up n pay it is just a normal lump...:) Amen..God bless everyone..

Backstreet Boys - Incomplete Lyrics =]

I tried to go on like i never knew you..I'm awake but my world is half asleep..I've preyed for this heart to be unbroken..:"(

I guess it will end soon..

I hate the feeling of heartbreak..and yet..i'm still compelled to go over and over our memories, ideas or fantasies..which make me feel even worse..why i'm keep on doing this?
It is indeed..a disease that you feel exquisitely painful till you wanna rip off your heart out. You cannot find any injury on any part of your body..physically you're find and healthy. But emotionally..you are really in a big pain. A pain that takes you more than time to heal.
It is the emotion that you have to deal with. Sometimes it makes you wanna give up on your life..you feel that your whole world is crumbles down n your legs can't even reach the ground. You feel that your whole supply of fresh air is been cut off.. You will feel that you barely feel your own heartbeats..you are hardly speak out what you wanted to spit out..you will feel that you are been stab straight to your heart..the pain is just so hard to explain.. You are really in a big emotional pain. 
This pain..you cannot just heal it within hours or just a week..it takes you forever to forget about it. Even you are finally heal but deep down..the hole is still there..it will become bigger n deeper every time you get your heart broken by those merciless heartless creature who does not know what is love..what it is feel likes to be appreciate.. Those merciless heartless creature..u shouldn't be exist in this world..because of YOU the world is no longer a peaceful place. Hatred started to grow everywhere. SIGH..that is the fact..the fact that i have to live with. 
The thing is..i just don't know what is happening now..I have already know the consequences if i fall in love with you..i knew it from the very first you told me you somehow got a feeling on me..but i dared myself to jump into this hot-burning tub. I thought it was just for fun..first it was fun..then it turn out to be REAL.."what happen to the fun?" Ian said to me.. I guess it turned to be something real..some kind of...the feeling is just likes the one that i ever had 7 years ago..2006..where i first met Govin..my first true love..but hell yeah..he left me for someone much older..*Life is cruel, does it?* Now i got that feeling...when i was with Mac..i don't even feel likes this..that is why me n Mac lasted for only a year plus..our relationship was likes..only to fulfill each other loneliness..the feeling is different..it does not felt the same likes i felt with Govin..i guess i still in love with Govin..yes..i do remember our best moments together sometimes..I'm so sorry Mac.. After i decided to end up my relationship with Mac..there comes you..YUP..YOU! You came as a friend..a stranger that i have known for long ago but we never speak up nor smile at each other. N yes..i do know you..you are his cousin..Govin's cousin..first cousin n i used to meet you when i'm still with him. Meeting you at the first place was never been plan..it was all your brother's fault..He made you as his replacement to pick me out n brought me to dinner..heemmmm..at first..i was too shy n thing got very awkward ..i barely chewed my food..n i almost got myself chocked..LOL. I thought you were the kind of guy that i can't never get along with. I still remember one of you sms to me..before you went to pick me up " What language should i talk with you? " i was LOL n almost had a tummy-ache for laughing out so hard. the weirdest n funniest sms ever..i still keep it..:) Our night out was great. Dinner was great even though i hardly eat..n then we headed to the mall...loitered around n end up in this cafe, drinking beers n getting to know each other more, n it was still in the state of AWKWARD. Thing got a lil bit friendly when we both went to this club..a glass of Tequilla..we were still smiling n talking likes a normal person does..the 3rd glass...we were out of no where in this earth. "you are a good catcher..you never let me fall on my knees.." n the rest were history! It thought that when the night is over..it will end too..but i'm wrong..we become more than just a friend till now..You told me..i can consider you as my temporary boyfriend..u treat me likes your own.you care for me..you laugh and you smile with me..you have made fall..falling into deep...deep into the trouble that i have already know what the consequences are. Now, i'm just too confuse..what am i to you..am i just a friend? coz you are more than just a friend in my heart. I am too scare to lose you. I am afraid i might lose you one day..*actually i know..that one day, all of this will be over.* coz you are own by her. not by me..even though i hope that one day you will be mine but i know..it is such a selfish act/thought to do that..i know how hurt it is when your boy is snatch away from you..I have felt that..*Govin was snatched away from me* i told myself..to let God help me to deal with this..If you are meant for me..you will always be mine..but if you are belong to her..then you shall be hers forever. I don't wanna be mean even though there is a DEVIL in me that keep hoping for you to end up with her n be with me forever. What a thoughtless thought i have! 
The world  seems to laugh out loud n saying how foolish i am for falling for you..but i made myself deaf n blind..i know...God is merciful..He is good all the time.. God has planned something for me..He surely help me to get through this misery..as long as i have faith n trust in Him.  I just have to deal with my emotion all by myself. Seeking help from my girlfriends surely help to calm me but i know..only me. myself n i could help me to stand up again, to face the world once more. Give me the wisdom to face this..If he is for me..i promise to love him till the end..but if he is hers..i promise to let him go without grudge even though i'm in pain. Love is not always about you being with him together..but it is all about making those you love happy even you have to sacrifice your own happiness. 

The world is crumbles on me but i will always hold on to the final piece! :)

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I added cool smileys to this message... if you don't see them go to: http://s.exps.me

Heartbreak..it is indeed strange and yet painful..but you cannot find any injury on your body. It is a big emotional pain. A pain that seems to spark off hundreds of different feelings. 

if i can say I LOVE YOU to u..i would be so happy even just once..:)
i miss u load n i love u so much! :) Thank you for all the things that u gave me..

Ian's Words..

late night..i text him..asking if he is free to text me..
he said "yes".
the only person that i could think of now is Ian..he was the only one that could gives me some pieces of advices..
So there i was..telling him from A-Z..asking for his advice..seek for his help...what should i do..
At first the conversation does not start quite well...yah..i sms-ed him i need help to hate people..so he did replied me back..Sorry..i don't have time for that if u wanna hate people...*sigh*
But Ian never failed to give me "a very good" advices..he surely will helped me with his words. I'm so glad he is there to help me..:)
:)

thank you Ian for helping me..i feel better with you words even it is not 100%...
You are a very good friend indeed..

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i never cry since i broke up with Govin...i never cry this hard..tears this much...since he left me..but now..another guy have made me cry..again...my heart..it falls into pieces...it breaks apart...my heart is crying...n i can't stop it anymore... u came into my life... u gave me the light that i've been looking for...now..u are taking it back slowly...i should not fall for you at the first place..i know ur love for her is so strong..u n her...been together for years...n me..? i'm just a girl who passed by in your life..
i guess..i have to deal with this myself...all alone...
u left a big hole in me..the hole that made me drowning for your love...:'(
i fake a smile so no one will know how hurt i am..i just want you to know..i love you with all my heart even you're just my temporary boyfriend..Kevin..i love you..;"(

i just hate myself...i don't hate you...it's not your fault! it is mine!!!!! fuck off! i think i've gone insane...i am going to be insane......mr kbks! i just love u...but i know..i've made a fool out of myself...im just a fool! a fool for falling for you...

Simple Plan - No Love Lyrics

my life is perfect n happy but you came...n you've made me tumble upside down..
now..i just can't live without you even i know..you will never be mine..can't you give me just a chance to love you?

i feel wanna cry..cry..cry..cry..in fact, while typing this..i'm crying my heart out....

saw your post in your FB..u are having some happy time with her..humm..how i wish it is me...

i just couldn't help myself from tearing up! in fact...i hate myself..i hate you..i hate everything..

a sharp knife just stabbed me straight to my heart...

i really feel so stupid...feel likes a fool!!!

i know this gonna happen...i know..i can even see it coming..but why did i let myself stuck up in this...i know u would't mind bout it..i know u never care about me likes you care about her...

God..help me to get through this...Please...:'(

The Lima Separuh Masa Lirik

Is this the best to describe us?? hummmm!!

nahhhhh!

yahhh..i'm so mean! i really want you to be mine...just mine..i really want you to tell me that i'm the only one you love n kiss forever!!

this picture is just enough to show how much i want you!

"Astronaut"

Can anybody hear me?
Or am I talking to myself?
My mind is running empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me.
It's all just static in my head
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?

I'm deafened by the silence
Is it something that I've done?
I know that there are millions
I can't be the only one who's so disconnected
It's so different in my head.
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down? (come down)
'Cause I'm tired of drifting around and round (and round)
Can I please come down?

Now I lie awake and scream in a zero gravity
And it's starting to weigh down on me.
Let's abort this mission now
Can I please come down?

So tonight I'm calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot
If you hear my voice come pick me up
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

And tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
To the lonely people that the world forgot
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round.
Can I please come down? [x3]

*courtesy from Simple Plan

I never want to be likes an astronaut..but this is the feeling that i have to deal with..every single days....................!

i miss you!

piggy...piggy...
i'm so f*cked up! this feeling is..i just can't describe it...mixed feeling..I'm mad+happy+sad+excited...all in one time...
i know i shouldn't fall for you! damn hell is approaching me..i'm stealing someone's bf! omg!!
i hate it when you ignored me..i hate it when you didn't sms me..but i know..i'm nobody to you...
i'm always waiting n waiting for you to text or calling me..you never know how much happy i am when you sms me even just to say u're home...i'm so happy when you hug n kiss me...i just love the way you treat me..but hell yeah..i'm not urs..n u will never be mine.
Ian's once told me..you know what you should do n you should understand how's the girl feels!
yes Ian! i know...n i understand...i know he's not mine..but i love him...it's too late...the fun had become love..real feeling..real love...:( how i wish i can stop this..i never want to start this but i'm so sorry...i've fall for him...
i woke up every morning..asks myself...why do i do this to myself..do this to his girl..do this to him...why...i guess i never can find the answer...i'll let it to God to lead me out from this relationship...

Piggy..! dang..i miss you calling me this.. Piggy...Piggy...:)

i wish..

i wish i can hold your hands forever..

i wish i can kiss you every day..

i wish i can talk all day n all night with you..

i wish i can hug u tight never let got.

i wish i can hear you calling me everyday..

i just wish you are mine...not her! :(

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